How do we develop “effective” relationships that are real, impactful, honest (not fake), and in some cases “protective” of our work?
I think there is a misunderstanding among leaders about what “effective” really means in the professional sense. Does it mean dinners and cups of coffee? Is it “friendships” with my boss and her family? Should I be required to have all these relationships that are shallow and meaningless? Or better to have only a few strong confidants?
The answers to this really depend on you as a leader, so let’s take it in stages:
Stage 1: Acclimation
Start any new job, and you know you are beginning with a blank canvas. Go. Be with many new personalities, begin these “effective” relationships small. Use your “newness” for a reason to meet with many, many connections. You would be shocked how generous folks are to the “new guy/gal”. Meet with other peers, subordinates, former leaders in your role, almost everyone will welcome you during the first 90 days. As a superintendent, I met external contacts as well as internal contacts including the mayor, city council, business owners, and even the governor of the state! Most are willing to connect, the worst they’ll say is that they are too busy! You’ll love the time.
Note: Does this stage really matter? Yes, the first time you run into a roadblock and can’t see around it, you’ll need a few contacts to give you a bit of perspective.
CAUTION: be sure you don’t bypass your boss. Often managers get territorial if you meet with others above your “pay grade”. Sounds strange, but be careful to stay within your “bubble”.
Stage 2: Develop your “network”
Who do you have on “speed dial”? This is not a true “mentor” at this stage, but a set of 4-6 equal-level peers that you can contact to provide a little perspective. You may need to look outside your organization for this “network” and you may need to be the glue that brings the group together. This is a great group to bring together regularly to compare notes and develop new ideas with. Try to be aware that these “partners” in the work are not personally impacted if you succeed or fail.
CAUTION: You may not share everything with this group. You’ll share some of your insecurities, some of your frustrations, but be careful not to think of your “network” as your “friends”.
Stage 3: Your Legal “net”
Regardless of your position, in times of emergency, you need the law. Who supports you as a safety officer? As an attorney? As an Insurance claim rep? Who can turn off the water main when it explodes? You always have a list of these supporters and their personal cell numbers, even if you are a support staff member yourself. People are shocked when I tell them I maintain over 2000 names and numbers on my phone, I call it my “safety net”. This goes back to being the new person, introduce yourself early, have a conversation, obtain emergency contacts, and then hopefully you’ll never need to really use the information. But if you do… you’ll have it.
Stage 4: Your opposite
I laugh when leaders have collegial conversations with only those who look and act like them. Step out! Look at a different perspective, a different culture, a different color of skin or language, an older/younger generation. Think about this, you need to have “effective” relationships, which means people who will push back, tell you “no”, give you a little “history lesson”. This is tough because often people “different” from us make us feel uncomfortable. You’ll be richer for the experience, I promise.
Stage 5: Your Politicians
Ok, don’t laugh. But those that are elected officials around you need your vote, the vote of your staff, and a good impression on others to be a successful politician. You in turn need a healthy dose of good publicity and great connections for future projects. All you need to do is ask and invite. Bring politicians in for open-houses, evening concerts, reading to students, giving awards, even work projects… just remember they are present for the publicity (and many are so willing to lend a helping hand), so be sure to publicize.
Stage 6: Your Mentor
Yes, this is where you get vulnerable. This may be someone from your “network” or somebody totally external. This person may be paid to be your mentor, or maybe someone who is simply volunteering. All you need to do is ask the question “will you be my mentor”, which is sometimes the hardest part, as you generally truly honor this person’s time and can feel your needs are such a burden. Think about it though, wouldn’t you be honored if someone asked you to be his or her mentor?
NOTE: Mentor relationships only work if they are frequent contacts. I believe weekly, and am ready to call you back in a crisis.
Stage 7: Your Friends
These are your closest “effective” workplace relationships, and the position of trust you place them in must be reserved. I believe there are only a few of these in each leader’s life (2-3). I would also say that many leaders skip this stage and only ever have “colleagues” because “friends” are too vulnerable. Yet, when all the world is coming against you and you need a “pick me up”, who will stand by your side and be your encourager? Who will hold your struggles confidential, and not judge you for them? You need this group of effective relationships more than you realize. Of course, these take a great deal of time to develop and require shared trust and confidence. Yet once established, these are the relationships you’ll always carry with you throughout life’s ups and downs.
Remember, in the end, you are a leader and not an “island”. You will have rough days and great days throughout your entire career. Having effective relationships is part of the work of collaboration, but also very much a part of becoming a great leader with a strong support system behind your work!